Sitting and waiting and hoping...for Inspiration.

In exactly one week, I will be with my best friend and boyfriend- who is one and the same- enjoying the warmth and relaxation that Ocho Rios, Jamaica has to offer.

We are planning on spending a week in Jamaica at an all inclusive resort to, basically, get away. We are going to swim with dolphins, go horseback riding and let professionals pamper and spoil us to our hearts content.

We both recently graduated in May and have been working extremely hard trying to save money and figure out where we want to go and what we want to do when we get there. And we both recently rationalized that because we can't seem to quite figure it out here, what better place to figure out our next move than in Jamaica?

I wrote a blog a couple months ago about trying to figure out what's next and unfortunatley I don't have any new updates. I'm still Stuck.

I recently moved out of my apartment and after six years of living on my own, moved back into my mom's house in Topeka. It was kind of a devastating move because I had to seperate myself from my dog and cat who are currently residing at my dad's.

The idea was to move back to Topeka, save money and pay off debts while applying for big-girl jobs. The reality of the situation is that I've saved up enough money for a vacation and realized I want a big-girl job and my own place again now more than ever.

Prior to the move I actually convinced myself it would be empowering and inspiring saving money and applying for jobs.  A little more than a month in and I feel more stalled than ever, almost as if I'm going backwards.

I know exactly what I want to do.

I know I want to write, I hate not consistently writing now, but yet I don't apply for jobs or do anything to help myself.

My grandma always said, "God helps them who help themselves." So why aren't I helping myself?

I'm hoping that this trip ignites some inner spark and serves as the inspiration I need to set the rest of my future in motion.

But like Bob Marley said, "Don't worry about a thing because every little thing gonna be alright."

I hope so Mr. Marley.

Stuck

Well, I've got less than a month left at my internship and about a month left in my lease which obviously begs everyone's favorite question "What's next?" And to be honest, I don't know.
I have no idea actually.
They say freedom and options should be invigorating and inspiring, but its sort of not. As a college graduate with virtually no responsibilities, my list of options for what's next is almost endless. I really can do whatever I want to do. But therein lies the next problem, what do I want to do? It's an almost overwhelming sensation whenever I think about what I'm going to do when August ends. It has even led to my self-diagnosis of having mild to almost non-existent anxiety attacks. I like to think my unsureness about the future is a lot more serious than it really is.
I know I'd like to travel, preferably abroad, and continue to write and connect with people. I know I want my animals to come with me and I know I am downright tired of being financially unstable. I want to experience and seek out what I refer to as "life experiences".   I am after all a dreamer.
Of course, that all sounds wonderful and as cliche as it is, a lot easier said than done.
I mean I do have some reservations about all my grandiose plans.
My family, my friends, my personal safety, relationships, all of those things make my decisions and choices that much harder.
I made a Facebook post one day about wishing life was like the Goosebumps books I used to read as a kid. In some of the books you had the option of choosing whatever ending you wanted. Me, well, I would cheat. I would pick one, read it and if unsatisfied, I would go back and pick another.
Unfortunately though, life doesn't work like that. We are left with only the choices we make and there is no going back or changing that.
My biggest fears are that I make a decision or choice and spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?" Or, perhaps I spend the next 10 years traveling and trying to fill some void that I claim to have, only to find out it is not filled and I've been searching all along for nothing.
Big choices and big decisions have big consequences.
I feel like I am at this crossroads in my life and I just don't know what road to go down.
All I do know is that in exploring my choices I hope to keep my faith in the world and myself and have the confidence to make my dreams possible.  I also hope that whatever road I do choose to walk down, I do so with a head held high and an open heart and mind.

**All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.**

Getting my feet wet

As a self-proclaimed dreamer and University decreed journalist, I always knew there would come a time when I would start my own blog.
I guess that time is now.
For the past 7 weeks I have interned as a reporter at the Ottawa Herald and let's face it, sometimes as a reporter we have some downtime. In between waiting for new assignments and sources to return my phone calls, I've re-committed myself to Twitter and I also decided starting a blog might be another productive way to spend my time when I'm not actively working. Just don't tell my boss!
The main reason I've always found it difficult to blog is because while I am a writer, I'm also a thinker. As a young girl I had a diary- I think it was an unwritten rule- but I never succeeded in consistently writing in it. When I got older, I either convinced myself I didn't have the time to write down my thoughts or inspiration would strike me at the most inopportune times, like when I'm driving.
Driving, while it can be stressful- I tend to have road-rage due to my lack of patience-  can also be very calming for me. There are times when I just turn down the radio and think. I'll go through to-do lists, life-lists, and I've even started a couple articles in the car (Don't worry, I had a recorder at the time). I often don't answer my phone for fear the caller may bring news that could interrupt my "zen time".
Either way, regardless of when inspiration strikes, I am going to attempt to make a conscious effort to  write in this blog frequently. A daily blog would be committing myself a bit too much I think.
So, stay tuned. Who knows what crazy things I'm going to come up with :)